Phone conversations

(Alert: the following is a potentially offensive narrative!! Please don’t take it personal. It wasn’t meant that way.)

It could be a guy thing or a generation thing but I’m just not big on telephone conversations. Heck it might even be an “ear” thing with my hearing beginning to show signs of age.

I think it has its roots in my childhood when a telephone call was a seldom and special thing, especially long-distance calls. One wouldn’t think of hogging the phone for local calls because the other parties on our line might need to use the phone. And it was so embarrassing if they cut into your conversation with “How long will you be on the phone?”

When we did have a long distance call and it was one that the kids were invited to speak on, we made sure that we said our piece and then passed the phone to someone else in the family. With 5 kids none of us could have a lot of time.

This bias against lengthy phone conversations was emphasized when I was on my mission and could only phone home twice a year (Mother’s Day and Christmas). A call from Germany was still expensive enough that I felt bad once the conversation lasted more than 5 or 10 minutes.

In fact the only lengthy conversations I can think of during my younger years was when I called a girl to ask her on a date. I didn’t want to speak for a long time then either, but sometimes it took me several minutes to get up the nerve to pop the question.

Until a couple of years ago, it wasn’t a problem because Carolyn and I would get on different extensions when talking long distance. She would generally carry the conversation and I would listen in. When I got tired, I hung up and usually no one was the wiser. But now that doesn’t work because we use evening and weekend “free minutes” on one of our cell phones. We can’t both participate in the conversation at the same time. Usually, I’m perfectly content to listen to Carolyn’s side of the conversation and if I’m the one who answers a call meant for either of us, I usually pass it off to Carolyn within the first few minutes.

But the other day I heard Carolyn say, “Would you like to talk with your father?” and I felt sort of like Jake or Nathan must feel, “Would you like to talk to Grandpa?” I couldn’t refuse, of course, any more than the person talking with Carolyn could. “No, I don’t want to talk with that grumpy old man!” But we really didn’t need to talk (for long at least).

And how does one politely say that the conversation has gone on too long? “My ear hurts”? “I’d better let you go”? “I have a cramp in my elbow”? “I’ve finished this crossword puzzle and need both hands to find another one”? “I have to say bye now. I need both hands to zip up”?

I really do enjoy talking with my kids, grandkids, brothers, sister, friends, etc. but a five minute conversation is usually about it. Just enough to tell me what’s happening in your life right now and enough to let me hear the joy, sorrow, excitement, boredom, in your voice.